


my heart's a little bit tired (no, don't you kiss and tell)

by dracometria



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Confessions, Kissing, M/M, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Wingman Choi Yeonjun, sanha cameo, sooberry, sookai
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:00:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23475844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dracometria/pseuds/dracometria
Summary: He definitely shouldn’t have told Kai that kisses weren’t really a big deal in his haste to cover up his massive crush, because now Kai is out there kissing people that aren’t him.
Relationships: Choi Soobin/Huening Kai
Comments: 19
Kudos: 151





	my heart's a little bit tired (no, don't you kiss and tell)

**Author's Note:**

> university years  
> senior - yeonjun  
> junior - soobin  
> freshman - kai
> 
> was meant to be a drabble, but then got a little longer than intended ∠( ᐛ 」∠)＿ (i posted this underneath the wrong tags the first time ; ; )
> 
> rated T mostly for swearing

Soobin supposes it’s mostly his fault. He probably shouldn’t have gone with his impulses the day Kai came over to his dorm, tempting and dangerously inquisitive. He probably shouldn’t have offered to sate Kai’s curiosity _(“I can teach you.”)_ He probably shouldn’t have kissed him, soft but sure, because now he knows what he’s missing and he aches for it every night before he falls asleep, the memory of Kai’s long lashes and plush lips stamped beneath his eyelids.

And he definitely shouldn’t have told Kai that kisses weren’t really a big deal in his haste to cover up his massive crush, because now Kai is out there kissing people that aren’t him, and he may or may not have brought this upon himself by royally fucking up with the person in his life who matters—maybe not just the most, but also differently. Kai matters _differently._ Kai, who’s comparable to galaxies and stardust, but also to poppies turned towards the sun—real, breathing, inevitable, and possibly just within his reach until he’d gone and messed it all up.

“You think he has a type?” Yeonjun asks wryly.

“What do you mean?” Soobin is too busy glaring at the latest Instagram photo of Kai and his newest date. They never last long, but Soobin is jealous anyway, even if he doesn’t have any right to be. 

“The last three guys he was with were all taller than him and had black hair.” Yeonjun raises an eyebrow, waiting for things to click. 

“I’m tall with black hair,” Soobin says as he realizes. “Why won’t he date _me,_ ” he whines.

“Ask him out, for starters,” Yeonjun says, rolling his eyes. “Another thing those guys have in common—Kai doesn’t do the asking.” 

“He’s not interested in me,” Soobin mumbles. “And he’s my best friend.” 

“Wait, I thought I was,” Yeonjun says indignantly.

“You have a lot of competition…” 

“I’m the best at competitions,” Yeonjun grumbles, but he ruffles Soobin’s hair. “Okay, finish your ice cream before you start crying about how perfect and unattainable he is. You’ll ruin your ice cream with your tears.” 

“Shut up, hyung.” 

* * *

This is why Yeonjun isn’t his best friend.

“I can’t believe you made me stress dye my hair with you.” 

Yeonjun snaps off his gloves and makes an approving sound when he sees the final results.

“Pink is a good color on you,” the older comments. “Heh, not as good as blue does on me though.” Soobin sighs as Yeonjun smugly models in front of the mirror. He winces at his reflection—Yeonjun’s right, the pink looks nice, but it’s too attention-grabbing for him. 

“I regret it already,” Soobin says, giving his hair one last tousle. 

“Bet Ning would like it,” Yeonjun teases. 

“If he does, I’ll treat you to dinner.” 

_(Soobin ends up treating Yeonjun to dinner.)_

* * *

“I thought only Jjunie-hyung stress dyes,” Kai says with some amusement as he cards his fingers through Soobin’s hair. “Did it hurt?” 

“More than I thought it would,” Soobin admits, making a face. The bleach burned like hell. 

“At least he knows what he’s doing. Pink looks good on you, hyung.”

“Everything looks good on me.” 

Kai pulls a little on his hair. “You’re so irritating.” 

“You love me.” Soobin likes to push his luck sometimes. “Also, ow, my scalp is still sensitive, Hueningie.” 

“You’re such a baby,” Kai teases, but then he kisses the top of Soobin’s head and Soobin completely blanks. “There, all better?” the younger continues affectionately, as if he just hadn’t stopped Soobin’s heart. Kai continues threading his fingers through his hair. “It’s still so soft even after the bleach. Jjunie-hyung did a really good job.” 

“I’ll make sure not to tell him,” Soobin mumbles. Yeonjun is going to clean out his wallet. 

Kai’s fingers skitter lightly across his scalp, occasionally traveling to trace the edge of his ear before looping back around to pet his hair again. Soobin relaxes in Kai’s lap, attention flickering back to the Studio Ghibli movie playing in the background— _Kiki’s Delivery Service,_ he thinks, or at least something they’ve both seen enough times to only pay half attention to. Now would be a good time to—

Kai’s hand pauses in his hair as his cell phone rings. 

“One sec, hyungie,” Kai murmurs before answering his phone. “Hello? Today? Mm, now isn’t really a good time...yeah, tonight’s fine. See you later then, Sanhanie.” 

Soobin sits up abruptly, and Kai drops his hand in surprise. “Sanha-ssi? In the vocal department?” _What happened to that other guy in the Instagram photo...Minhee?_

Kai nods. “You’re friends, right?” 

Soobin is reconsidering that friendship right about now. “Yeah, we partnered up a few times for projects. I didn’t know you were…” 

Kai shrugs, the movement too fast to be casual. “We’re just hanging out.” 

“Just hanging out?” Soobin echoes, feeling jealousy curl tight in his chest. Kai doesn’t have a boyfriend, Soobin knows, so he doesn’t feel terribly guilty when he lays his hand on top of Kai’s and leans in closer. Sanha is his friend, but Kai is _his._ Just his. 

He gives himself and Kai a few seconds to reconsider, but the younger doesn’t move away, so Soobin cups his face and kisses him, and it’s just as explosive and perfect as it always is. 

_(He can’t keep doing this to himself.)_

Still, by the time he leaves, Kai’s lips are red and slightly swollen from kissing; Soobin may have been a bit more aggressive in making his presence known, since any kind of marks were definitely off-limits. 

He can’t bring himself to make the first move, when Kai keeps on choosing someone else. 

* * *

“Oh my god. Soobinie, look at this.” 

Soobin peers over to Yeonjun’s screen, blood freezing when he sees the Instagram update. Kai’s never the one posting photos, but this time, there’s a picture of him and Sanha on his account. 

Sanha’s hair is fucking pink. 

“That can’t be a coincidence, dude.” 

Soobin’s mouth dries. The vocal department already joked about them looking so alike they could be twins, but with their hair dyed the same color, it’s almost like looking into a mirror _(except Kai has never held his hand like that for a photo)._

“Fuck me,” Soobin swears softly, he feels like he’s been given the answers, but the puzzle isn’t fitting together right. 

“His type is _you,_ ” Yeonjun says helpfully.

“That literally makes no sense.” Soobin furrows his brow. “He hasn’t said anything about wanting to date. The first thing he did after we kissed was to find someone else.” 

“Soobin.” Yeonjun clasps his shoulders. “I mean this with the bottom of my heart. You are dumb as fuck. Have you tried telling him your feelings?” 

“There’s never a good time,” Soobin says crossly, “He’s usually dating someone—”

“Didn’t you kiss him just last night?!” 

“He said they were just hanging out—”

“Bro. You _know_ what that means.” Yeonjun crosses his arms. “You know, when you two ‘hang out’.” 

Soobin flushes with embarrassment. “That’s different, we’ve known each other since primary.” 

“Soobin.” Yeonjun gives him a sharp look. “I am so serious when I say this, I will _beg_ you on my knees if that’s what it takes for you to go and talk to Ning. I know him. You know him. We both know that he hides his feelings like his life depends on it. You can’t both be emotionally challenged. I’m like, 70 percent that he definitely likes you back.” 

“What about the other 30 percent?” Soobin yelps when Yeonjun smacks him. 

“The other 30 percent is riding on the fact that Sanha is actually a decent person, pretty charming, and beat you to the punch, as far as I can tell.” He gestures to his phone. “Hell, if I was Ning, I probably would have chosen him.”

“Thank you for the vote of confidence.” Soobin frowns, his pride stinging a little. 

“Wait, Soobinie, I wasn’t being serious,” Yeonjun says, slightly panicked. “I was just aiming for the tough love approach, you know, trying to get you fired up. I totally believe in you—” 

Soobin cracks an appreciative smile when Yeonjun flails around, doing an abrupt 180 and trying to cheer him up instead. He interrupts him with a hug. “Okay, maybe you’re getting kind of close to best friend material, Yeonjunie.” 

_“Hell yeah.”_

* * *

Soobin is probably going to lose his nerve again, with Kai tucked against him like this, another movie they’ve watched already playing in the background as their fingers intertwine and untwine, never staying long enough together to count as holding hands but long enough to make Soobin think about it.

He wants to rest his head against Kai’s shoulder, wants to press his lips against the nape of his neck. He can do both of those things, but Kai’s probably dating Sanha and even cuddling like this, no matter how often or how used they are to doing this, makes him feel a little guilty. 

Instead, he nudges Kai with his knees. “Aren’t you getting tired sitting like that?” The younger is balanced cross-legged on his lap. Kai’s not exactly heavy, but this position is making him lose feeling in his thighs.

Kai understands though, so he lets Soobin adjust them until Kai sits in the open space between his legs. The reason why he initially chose this position was because he felt like it would be easier to start a conversation with Kai facing the laptop screen instead of him, but they’re already a third of the way through _Iron Man II_ and Soobin still hasn’t said anything yet. He sighs and rests his chin on Kai’s shoulder.

“Yes?” 

Soobin doesn’t expect for Kai to turn around, and now they’re too close, lips just inches from touching. 

“Are you dating Sanha-ssi?” Soobin blurts out, because Kai’s pretty eyes and enticing lips and the cute slope of his nose make him _dumb,_ and oh god, that’s not a good way to start The Conversation. 

Kai looks at him carefully. “Why do you want to know?” 

“So I…” _So I don’t kiss you like I did last night. So I can pretend that I don’t have feelings for you. So I can try and fail again to move on._ “No reason,” Soobin finally says decisively, avoiding looking Kai in the face because he’d be figured out in two seconds flat if he did. Yeonjun’s going to kill him. Soobin can’t be blamed for having a sense of self-preservation. 

“I don’t think I have to explain to you, hyung,” Kai says, and that’s all the notice he gets before Kai kisses him. Soobin wants to say that he keeps The Conversation in the back of his mind, but actually, he’s entirely preoccupied with an armful of Kai, his back pressed against the arm of the couch as Kai twists until he’s laying on top of him, his mouth soft but demanding. 

He wants to say the slide of tongue is what distracts him, the sound Kai makes when he tightens his hand in his hair is what distracts him, that the way Kai toys with the bottom of his shirt is what distracts him, but in truth, he lets all of these things divert his attention because at the root of it all, he’s a coward. He doesn’t want to lose this, but he also doesn’t want to lose his best friend. 

Not for the first time, he wishes he hadn’t fallen in love with Kai or his smiles or the way his eyes crinkle into crescents when he laughs, or his kindness, or the way he’s a gentle and good listener, the way he’s affectionate and doesn’t seem to know the meaning of personal space sometimes, the adamant way he gets when he wants to cheer someone up, the way he used to bring bread and pastries in the morning because Soobin didn’t have time since he had to be early for student council, all those small things and so many more that make up the constellation of reasons why he’s so fucking in love.

He feels oddly calm when he realizes. 

“Hueningie,” he says, breaking them apart—Kai’s face is rosy and adorable. “I can’t do this anymore.” His thumb caresses Kai’s cheek, lingering with the thought that maybe it would be the last time he would be able to touch him like this. 

“I thought you said kissing didn’t matter to you,” Kai says, and _fuck,_ why do his eyes look a little wet? He’s not a crier. 

“I lied,” Soobin admits, “And I hate it when you kiss someone that’s not me.” 

There’s a slight pause before Kai whispers, “Maybe I hate it when I have to kiss strangers to pretend that they’re you.” 

It’s hard to continue staring at each other seriously when there’s explosion sounds coming from the movie that’s playing, and Soobin guesses they must be at the part when Vanko self-destructs for no good reason, considering that Iron Man and Pepper Potts had gotten out perfectly fine. 

Soobin doesn’t really want to be Vanko in this particular situation.

“I love you, Hueningie,” he says with courage he doesn’t really have. 

“Okay,” Kai says, and Soobin is a bit offended, because _really?_ But then Kai smiles shyly. “Are you free for dinner tonight?” 

“Is this a date?” Soobin asks, heart bursting because he already knows _(because Kai never asks)._

Kai pouts. “What else?” 

“If you say it back.” 

Kai flushes red. “I l-love you too.” 

“Okay, now explain what you meant about kissing strangers?” Soobin teases.

“Shut up, you’re not likeable at all, Binnie,” Kai mumbles, burying his face into Soobin’s chest. 

Soobin holds him tightly. They can save the rest for later. For now, though—he finesses his phone from the coffee table. He had a mission.

* * *

“I can’t believe you’re that petty,” Yeonjun says in awe. “That kid probably had his poor heart broken. Did you really have to rub it in?” 

Soobin shrugs. “I just want everyone to know that we’re together.” 

“You’re literally one of the most well-known students in the vocal department?! Just a photo on your Instagram would have been fine, why does Kai have the same photo uploaded on his account? And be honest, did you make him delete that picture with Sanha?” Yeonjun flicks him on the forehead. 

“He deleted it by himself,” Soobin whines before smiling smugly. “He said it was to get me jealous anyway.” 

“You two are disgusting,” Yeonjun says. “This is almost worse than the pining.” 

“Should I tell Beomgyu you’re free this evening?” Soobin asks innocently. 

“Ya, Soobin!” 

**Author's Note:**

> [twt](https://twitter.com/yourcutiekai) & [ask](https://curiouscat.me/dracometria) >3<♡
> 
> would like to write some more drabble-length things so i can update 'you're my gum', but it's difficult writing something shorter these days ):


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